I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
hes that one kid that offered to spoon after staring at me for 5 minutes
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
His chest is so hairy i want to pet it with my nipples.
Just took physics exam. I think this is one of those 'chuck it in the fuck-it bucket and become an art major' days
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
you'll kiss me after i give you a blowjob but you wont kiss me after I eat apple sauce? am I the only one who sees something wrong with this?
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