Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
i just want a position where we can lock up like some sort of sexual megatron and go the whole night that way
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
Randomize
