i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
you kept slapshing your drinks on people saying the power of christ compels you.
When we ran out of red solo cups we switched to Starbucks cups for beer pong... Who doesn't want to live in Seattle?
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
It's really sad that I'm trying to calculate in my head the type of place to have dinner that's worth anal
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
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