i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
i just got yelled at for having sex. this sorority thing is worst than being at home. at least at home they think im still a virgin
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
Goodbye spring break, hello depressing video on AIDS.
Are you coming to class or was the dick pic this morning your way of saying not today?
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
Randomize
