Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
She is only going home with him in hopes to give him herpes. She has been plotting some master revenge since 7th grade.
This is ridiculous. It's like playing possible STD Clue, and I don't want to be the winner.
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
Randomize
