Do u think she knows her nickname is the oompa loompa
Whore.
I was being facetious
Don't try to hide behind big words.
Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
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