either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
Is there some kind of disinfectant spray people use? Why would anyone want to eat ass??
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
Slutty summer 2013 has officially started. I did accidentally bite a dick though.
It's no longer hooking up, we have definitely graduated to Sport Fucking....
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
