Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
it's all fun and games until somebody pulls the tampon string..
So I have the professor convinced that the textbook will take another week to deliver. that should give me enough time to replace the cash i spent on strippers.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
Chelsea passed out in the kiddie pool. Just added around 28 boxes of jello powder. Will let you know how it works out
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
I see more hoeing in ur future
Randomize
