Um, I don't know who U MEANT to send that to, but yes I WAS going to fuck you. Instead you can go play Halo with ur friends.
and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
Well his ex just grabbed his dick and told him yep Ill call u later
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
At 12:16 am. We just got out of the truck and went behind it and fucked. With 3 people in the truck. On the side of the road. As cars drove by.
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
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