it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
Omg. I have a story to tell you later about that girl that just crawled on stage
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
Randomize
