You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
I would give my right arm to go back to college. Or maybe not. Would be kinda hard to pick up guys with one arm. Then again, knowin what I do now...I could take any freshman bithc with only one arm.
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
I want to be the sort of person he can respect in the morning once the drugs wear off.
i think the last part kind of negates the first part there
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
I am no longer embarassed by my vagina
It concerns why you would be in the first place, but I'd rather not know
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
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