I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
drunk taco night MLK would want it this way.
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
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