I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
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