I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
THEY ARE MY AGE. THEY ARE YOUR LITTLE SISTER'S AGE THIS IS A DELICATE MATTER. CAPS LOCK
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
I want her autograph on my taint
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
I can't have my last hookup before 21 have been behind a dumpster
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
Well, let me first tell you that jack and cokes were ONE FUCKING DOLLAR.. It's like the club wanted me to make poor choices.
Randomize
