So I fucked an Aussie broad with huge feeders last nite 2x... Before banging her she was blowin me & I thought: "SHE IS GOIN DOWN-UNDER ON ME". Laughed out loud
just walked out of chelsea's house and saw cameron slapping his dick against her car. cant even make this shit up if i tried.
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
It hurts to hear and I can smell shapes.
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
you're hired as official boob wrangler
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
Randomize
