A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
it doesn't matter what you do now, you will forever be known as the girl who fell off the roof
nooooo! we need to brain storm. I need rebranding....what if I start always showing up with my cat or a wacky hat?
try again roofio
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
Randomize
