Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
I cut my penus on the lid.
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
It was going well until he told me about the 7k he made in college to be in a gay porn
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
Randomize
