just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
Strip Simon Says: DO IT
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
woke up hungover this morning lying in a water raft covered in water.. i dont know if i should consider this good or bad
Randomize
