Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
Just found a "how to get laid" book on the dresser and am now a victim of method number 16 corollary 7.
Apparently "he pulled out..mostly" is not a valid reason for thinking there's no way i can be pregnant to the nurses at the student health center.
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
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