So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
Also your Swedish friend who's name I don't remember is really good in bed.
*Norwegian
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
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