so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
Randomize
