then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
Can you return condoms to CVS?
Only if you return your pride as well.
I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
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