It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
Sorry I twat blocked you earlier I didn't know Sam was over. But, my house my rules, I don't have to knock before I enter. I did see naked butts and smelt "Sex Stank" in the air, we're going to have to set some ground rules when I get home. Hugs and kisses..Mom
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
Randomize
