That's kind of creepy but I guess since I'm wearing your dad's pants nothing is off limits anymore
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
I don't remember anything other than how good it felt when I peed my pants.
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
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