i really wish facebook had an app for when you are looking at a chick's photo album, you could just skip to the ones where she and/or her friends are dressed like skanks
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
I need five more minutes of sobbing.. AND THEN I will get back to studying
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
Randomize
