I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
knew it was a bad idea. the look she gave me when i left her roommates bedroom in the morning really illustrated that.
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
There has to be a way to make college graduation in Las Vegas different than any other Tuesday in Las Vegas. Strippers? Been there. Getting arrested for public indecency on the strip? Done that.
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
Im going to the gym...covered in the Brazilians cum
And how is that different than any other weeknight in your world
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
Randomize
