It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
I just realized that the music from spongebob is also used in real sex HBO.
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
Randomize
