i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
It was like doing yoga with his dick in me
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
judging by the mobile uploads you added of me last night, we cant keep living this way.
We are possibly on our way, unless we see the limo full of strippers.
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
Randomize
