and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
he was Irish, I had to have sex with him.
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize
