New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
ELLEHCIM
NYRMAK
DRAHCIR
WHAT??
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
Randomize
