you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
I just want some dick and chicken fingers please advise
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
Does fucking him in the back of the car with the sun roof retracted count as star gazing?
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
Randomize
