it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
8:30 every morning in the third floor bathroom we fuck in the handicap stall. You have your morning workout and I have mine.
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
Randomize
