I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
He just kept repeating "not with an octopus" over and over for hours. Soooooo Porn Dare was a succes.
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
I chugged that bitch with a dip in.
You somehow managed to be a man whilst drinking a Mike's Hard. I commend you.
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
he tied his pants around my leg to stop the bleeding... i think he just wanted a good excuse to take his pants off
well did it work?
it was a success in both ways.
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
did i tell you guys i finally 69’d for the first time last night? just thought the group chat should know.
Randomize
