just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
She came in to my room half naked at 3am asking me if I had seen the movie balls deep 7
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
Already puke and ralleyd and dressed like a bear.
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
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