Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
She left her panties here. They looked SOOO much smaller last night.
There is what appears to be urine on the woman's bathroom sink. I just have so many questions right now.
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
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