She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
So I'm sitting at my desk and Thunderstruck came on my iPod. I then proceeded to drink coffee every time I heard thunderstruck. Who says you don't remember anything from college?
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
I wanna trust fall face first on a penis.
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
Two questions: is there going to be a bathroom at this party, and can we fuck in it. This will define whether or not I enjoy going to parties with you.
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
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