Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
hes that one kid that offered to spoon after staring at me for 5 minutes
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
Girl I'm contemplating picking up some adult diapers. That's how bad this is and it's only day 2.
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
Randomize
