and pubic hair rears its ugly head again
yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
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After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
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Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
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