At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
there is a tent in the living room. its a vip tent room. i want in.
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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