You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
Just come here and visit. Enjoy the deliciousness of me being legal. Just don't think, and come here right meow. meow meow meow.
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
we need to make pact to not cut each other's hair on coke and whiskey nights.
While I agree, I dont think thats realistically possible
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
Randomize
