I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
i just realized i have an entire drawer dedicated to the clothes of guys ive shacked with...
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
adderall flavored popcorn. yes we did it and its awesome
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
he's totally gay but hes wondering what hes missing out on. Im going to show him.
no pressure.
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
Randomize
