now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
does he have a tent? the camping kind not the boner kind.
My wife all of the sudden got markedly better at giving blow jobs. Should I be happy or concerned?
I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
Randomize
