Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
It's very clear that i'm the girl sweating out four lokos at 2 in the afternoon at the gym
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
I don't have any plans for New Year's except watching anime and drinking until I can't read the subtitles anymore.
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
Randomize
