Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
You gotta hand it to him. 6 hours in a new town and he's already fuck someone, had his ass kick by her bf, and rounded up a posse of people to kick this guys ass.
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
my experiences serve only to benefit you young virgin
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