He started to lick my mole,thinking it was my nipple.
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
Haga you didnt jbsii whee wu an therer
Party on wayne
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
we played a my little pint drinking game. It was awesome.
I'll make some time for you! I don't know how long you need to get off, but I should only need 2-7 minutes, pending what kind of socks I have on.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
His truck was very sexy. Unfortunately, shortly thereafter, I discovered that the whole overcompensating thing is very true...
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
Randomize
