I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
Between having seen you naked and interpreting your values based on the occasional political FB post, you're no stranger for sure.
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
Randomize
