Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
too late I already started a fight with someone named luscious
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
he was Irish, I had to have sex with him.
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