i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
Today in psych we learned that you are a whore.
Me specifically?
Yep.
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
Last thing I remember was a hand in the pants. Then I woke up next to a full beer and a McDouble, which I promptly had for breakfast.
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
Plus he is a pilot so I could give him flight dome
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
Randomize
