What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
And i quote: "where's y'alls from comin' in with them accents?" - from a mississipi mcdonalds
either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
i turned around and there he was, right in my face. i was mid deep throat of a hot dog that i was eating with my hands and no bun. you win FSU, you win.
I've seen too many dicks in the past week. I can't do it anymore.
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
Randomize
