hotel room ftw
So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
i dont remember how or why, but i now have 3 coupons for a free BJ from Anise stapled to my right arm.
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
Randomize
