she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
she'd have to be at LEAST a cup size bigger for me to even consider putting up with her voice
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
all she had left on were here heels. phone five
There are 3 pics of me on my camera, naked, wearing only an apron, scooping ice cream.
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
Was considering going to moonshine but I think I'm just gonna stay home and drink beer because there is no law against partial nudity here.
I guess I was blacked out I hopped a fence and hugged a cow that night.
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
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