Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
Down at Ground Zero right now. So many people here. It's the most patriotic game of grabass Ive ever seen.
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
he just used "boss" and "boner" in the same sentence. I cant respond.
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
Breakfast Clubbing as Juggalos. I can feel our IQs in freefall.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
Go forth my little lesbian, get your gayme on
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
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