Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
He will be forever remembered as "birthday failure" ...Got him to pierce his tongue in my bathroom, but not sleep with me......
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
Don't be alarmed when we finally get naked and I let out a WOOHOO!!!
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
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