my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
Then again, he has huge mansions.
*manboobs.
I only had ten dollars. So leave it to Katie to somehow makeout with the bartender, on his shift mind you, and get free drinks.
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
Randomize
