seriously i just wanna be friends
pass
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
Last thing i remember is pounding jager and puking in that nerds george foreman grill. Then i wake up this morning with some random tooth brush in my mouth
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
we both turned hook ups into relationships we are crushing this thing called life right now.
I think he knows I took a picture of him. Why I don't get punched in the face more often is anyone's guess.
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
So I took my bra off and threw it in the bushes before we went to the bars..
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
Randomize
