Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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