I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
No fucking idea. Just paid for my chipotle in chocolate coins, though. Either there is a huge language barrier happening here, or my big boobs are finally paying off.
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
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